‘Time-out’
And other conclusions
Context
In a few days I’m moving to the other side of the world. I’ve known about it for five months, during which I’ve experienced a sort of ‘time-out’ from the usual mind clutter that sometimes sabotages my life.
I’m usually a very rational being that manages to get through that clutter despite a habit of overthinking, but I’ve noticed two emotional states that simply surpass my ability to see straight. When I’m truly challenged to focus, it’s when anger and fear make a pit in my stomach and try to either bury or destroy everything around them to keep me “safe”.
Obviously I’ve felt those two visceral sensations many times in my life, but I had never been so aware of how they affected me and what to do with them until recently. You see, when I stopped having the time for petty troubles, grudges or imagined scenarios, it became easier to identify the true big battles against myself.
Dilemma
Usually, whenever I get anxious about the future or bothered about the past, I ask myself: “What’s the worst that could happen? And, can I do something about it?”. Most times they’re enough for handling whichever situation, but not when my feelings really take over.
Regrettably, when you personify anger or fear, it’s not that easy to let go or to act assertively according to your beliefs, values and previous decisions. It requires restraint, time alone, breathing and compassion for yourself once you reach a state of better reasoning, because by then, you’ll surely judge your thoughts the harshest even if you never acted upon them.
PART I: Ask the right questions
First came anger. The pit in my stomach lasted for two days. I wanted to validate my rage and make the person that had provoked me feel ashamed. Fortunately, my imagination doesn’t tend to go on scheming agendas of revenge, because then it would’ve surely been a much harder quest to keep my cool, but damn, was it hard to shut my mouth and just think.
The morning after the “incident” I woke up and went for a walk. I found a bench, put on my earphones and looked at the tree tops being moved by the wind. I dwelled with my thoughts for as long as I needed and let myself feel it all — anger, sadness, disappointment, rage, and numbness.
In my attempt to put the personal circumstances between the person in question and myself aside, I told myself I only felt offended by the lack of consideration and taste of the action itself, instead of using the history between us to form a complex plot that would’ve made me a victim. I restrained myself, partly because of prudence, but mostly because admitting I had been personally hurt was more painful.
Facts & thought process
I won’t go into much detail about what transpired in my situation, but after much deliberation, I finally came to the conclusion that what this person did had not been done to me. It was simply done, and even though it had been imprudent (given the circumstances), it was not an act out of character nor out of a previous mutual understanding. That person did not wrong me.
Let me elaborate around my reasoning:
- I care about the person in question, which is why it affected me as much. So, I’m completely biased about the heaviness of the act.
- Actually, the action itself wasn’t terrible if measured by moral standards. Think of it more of a “douche move” (for lack of a better term).
- There could’ve been better communication, because admittedly, too many past moments were left up in the air to be interpreted with few true pieces of agreed information with which to work with as reference.
But what ended up being the main problem was my state of denial about those few mutual understandings that I had verbally encouraged. I told myself they were serious, but for a while, they didn’t feel real. It wasn’t until that distasteful moment that reality hit me in the face and snapped me out of the weird dynamic of incongruity.
Resolution
At the end, I decided not to engage. I did thought about doing it, but ultimately, the two questions that managed to settle my anger were:
- Do I have a specific petition to make this person in order to prevent further damage to either of us?
To which I answered yes. Specially to prevent my damage. But then, I followed with:
- Do I have the right to ask?
Even though I did have a lot to say, it turns out that I didn’t have the right to ask, literally by my request. I realized that if I wanted to keep our mutual understanding, which I still believe was the right call, I had to disengage. So I loosen my grip and let it go.
Objectively speaking (or as much as I can be), I still think of the action as tasteless, but if there hadn’t been the required history between that person and I to care and make it personal, I probably wouldn’t have glanced twice at it; because it’s not about what the other person did, it’s about what hurt, which is entirely my responsibility.
PART II: Trust your common sense
The second moment was of livid fear. Fortunately, this one only lasted about an hour. But this time, I had no one to blame but myself. Unsurprisingly, regardless of my qualities and achievements, sometimes I make dumb decisions because I’m human, which means I’m still not immune to my own nature and how it reacts to life.
I won’t disclose the details of my situation for the sake of explaining, but because I do want to share what I learn from it, please indulge me by playing along with the analogy I’m about to expose.
Setting the tone
Can you picture the kind of things that, when they’re mentioned in group conversations, the reaction it creates in the crowd it’s generally uniform? It usually happens when two options are given and the answer seems pretty damn obvious, easy and literally a no brainer. To the point of instantly allowing yourself to judge whoever doesn’t take “the right choice”.
Like someone trying to decide whether to drive with opened eyes or with closed eyes. Immediately everyone agrees that driving with closed eyes shouldn’t even be an option. Commonly speaking, it’s just known that the sight it’s the first and most basic thing needed for driving.
So, when you’re chill and all wrapped up in the conversation, you can’t possibly think of a scenario in which you would do that. After all, there are so many designed precautions to prevent it. And there’s also your common sense, right?
Well, regrettably, I discovered that sometimes people do close their eyes while driving because it happened to me (This is an analogy. I didn’t actually close my eyes while driving). And the fear it brought me afterwards sucked.
The hypothetical scenario
Okay, let’s paint the picture. You’re driving in a private parking lot with no obstructions nor people around. Just like when you’re learning how to drive normally, there’s other people with experience who teach you how to do it. But then, they suggest that lesson to be with closed eyes. You hesitate a little, but agree to do it, trusting that they will guide you. Nothing bad happens and you end up having a blast, and then, you go on with your life quite happily.
A few days go by and suddenly many questions start to pop inside your head, making you doubt everything you remember. “What if I drove over someone and didn’t even notice? I mean, I’m sure I didn’t… it was pretty clear, was it not? Of course there’s the fact that I didn’t actually see what was happening, I was mainly trusting what I was told. And they said that I didn’t hit anything at all… but did they? And what if I did drive over someone? Surely I would’ve felt it; but then again, I’ve never driven over someone before, so I can’t confidently say I’m able to distinguish between driving over a bump from driving over someone”.
So then you start to really panic and your head goes nuts with worry.
Where fear takes us
When I got to that point I was already scheming every possible scenario to cut any loose ends, even the ones I never thought I would consider an option. Seriously, I’m still processing how far my mind went because, in that hour of fear, I became the character in the movie that suggests hiding the body when someone accidentally dies.
I mean, I also thought about the happy endings and the “owning up to my actions and taking responsibility” ones, but I seriously also considered hiding the body and getting a new ID to disappear.
I’m not proud of myself. Driving with closed eyes is simply dumb unless you own a Tesla, and even then, it’s not entirely encouraged (remember this is an analogy). Thankfully, I was able to hit the brake on my scheming and take the right turn by asking for reassurance to the right person, by checking my gear and visiting the parking lot. And thankfully, everything checked out.
Trust
Trusting is generally good for the mind and heart because we’re social beings, but for these sort of situations, I’ve learned the scary way that I should go with my common sense before anything else because I won’t always be lucky enough to trust the right person. Even though driving with eyes closed was exciting and fun, it just not worth the worry.
Nonetheless, because I will most probably get it wrong at least once again, I know now about the importance of rechecking the facts before doing anything radical. Specifically the importance of talking to someone.
The weight of the worry left my shoulders the moment I expressed it to the right person and asked the question that was feeding my fear without beating about the bush. I went back for more data, and then, everything was resolved.
PART III: Same demon, different face.
This was meant to be the general conclusion, but as it so often happens in life, instead of seeing one, another feeling came with more questions. Just like the Delta variant that is Covid-19, but not quite the same one from 2020; this sensation feels familiar, but not quite the same as fear. My guess is uneasiness.
I’m positive my future departure is the cause for my current state of mind, but I dare speculate if it also has to do with the weird sensation I’ve been feeling lately that somehow everything I’ve experienced these past five months didn’t actually happen, or more accurately, that they did, but just inside a parenthesis within the story of my life as a parallel reality.
I might fear the idea of leaving this time enclosed within those two curved lines because of how much I’ve enjoyed living inside of them. Especially because the circumstances that allowed such a free playground to experience life without much worry, don’t come as easily or as commonly as we would like. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ll have such a free ‘time-out’ period any time soon. After all, I’m not getting any younger, and more responsibility comes with age.
On the other hand, this could just be an imaginary narrative I’m telling myself to feel in control, because another equally persuasive explanation could be that, maybe I fear not being able to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself in the years to come. Both are reasonable. But in reality, I’m not sure if I’m afraid to leave, or afraid of what’s coming. Whether I fear forgetting or failing.
Resolution
I would love to have an answer that could resolve this maddening train of thought, but I don’t. Perhaps I fear both, or none; maybe it’s just temporary vertigo that my human nature can’t help. I might not fear heights, but if I stand at the edge of a cliff, I’ll surely feel my blood run. Either way, I guess it all comes back to what’s happening now.
I’m safe and comfortably sitting by my bed on a gray couch. All the paperwork for my departure has been dealt with. I’m in contact with the people I care about. I’m well rested, well fed and well clothed. Tomorrow is my birthday and the only question I need to answer right now is “what flavor would I like my cake to be?”
And that, I can handle now.
